Tuesday, January 15, 2013

What If Addiction Had Never Trapped Me

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with a couple tears running down my cheeks as if running to escape my mind. Running away from the unsettling feelings my dream had caused. The possibility of a change of fate and its consequences had me feeling uneasy. A lesson my mind saw fit to teach me even if it would hurt me. Tough Love, they call it. I was left with the certainty that what happens to us during our life happens to us and not someone else for a reason. I shouldn't dwell on what could have been because I believe the universe has a way of balancing itself and if not to me then to whom would my hardships and burdens be given too. Also I've been thinking if they weren't meant to have those particular challenges in their life time then chances are this person wouldn't have been born with the specific abilities or skills to overcome them. Well I can definitely say that this dream had me reflecting on a lot of life's deeper meanings.

The dream is a bit blurry now but I remember the important part of the dream that had affected me. In this dream I was back in my late teens and this time I didn't know the life of addiction. You could say, I was a well-rounded person with goals and lots of love for my family. It’s seemed like I took on the life my brother had (my oldest brother who is 3 years younger than me) and he had mine. We’ll definitely the part of my life that included addiction and a lot of sadness. In other words it’s like our lives had been switched. In this dream, we were at my mom's just like when we were teenagers and my brother looking like he was 13 again was drinking and doing harder drugs. Not trying to hide it, I could tell he was under the influence. He had that jaded look in his eyes, the one I remember having myself. He seemed to have this air of sadness surrounding him but he was trying to hide it. I think I only knew because, although in that life I didn't know addiction and that kind of sadness, somewhere in my mind I still remembered. It’s like I felt his struggle, knowing it all too well. Something told me that my brother wasn't going to beat it (it really wasn't his to beat); he wasn't going to get better. My heart broke so hard; I couldn't stand seeing him hurting and sad. And that's when I knew. I'd do it over again a million times if it would keep him from having that kind of life. My dream was telling me that if I hadn't been an addict, if my brother hadn't seen what it did to me, how destructive it was, or if my dad hadn't had me to turn to, he might of turned to my brother (my dad thought me about drugs and eventually offered me some), my brother would of been an addict. It was like this entire realization hit me at once and I just had to walk up to my brother and wrap my arms around him really tight. And that's when I felt the tears running down my cheeks and woke up.

Most of people are probably thinking it was just a dream, nothing to it, nothing to worry about. Or maybe my unconsciousness was trying to make sense of why these hardships happened to me. I believe it’s much more than that. To start, if it really was my unconsciousness giving me an explanation to why it happened to me, than it had to of chosen my brother being spared as the explanation because my love for my brother was probably one of the only explanation that would put my heart and mind at ease. Also this dream made me realize that no matter how bad it was. I'd still be willingly to do it again for my brother. I don't believe I've had a dream as meaningful as this one before. I can most definitely say that this dream contained an important message. As sad as it was, once I reflected upon the meaning an inner peace overcame me.

To Dream, A Dream,
Our Inner Most Secrets Our Revealed
The Secrets We Keep Even From Ourselves