Sunday, January 13, 2013

We Cant Help Who We Love

We cant help who we love, sometimes its just fate.
Despite all the issues we face as a couple there's no denying I feel very strongly about him. Theirs good and theirs bad in almost every relationship. So in this post Ill try and focus on the good. I know that I don't want to be with him because I don't want to be alone. I've had plenty of chances to date someone else, its not that at all. I do love him, truly or I wouldn't be there. I often go out of my way to make him happy and I never really did that in any other relationship. He goes out of his way to make me happy even if he complains. He cares and he there when I need him. We all have our faults, god knows I got mine. But he makes me happy and that's what counts even if its not all the time. Nothings perfect all the time. He also understands what I've been through since were both recovering addicts and we both have childhood issues. Were also both on methadone and were both clean. If nothing else I know his clean (not like my last relationship). We had both been clean and single for a while. We had also both been in a long and serious relationship that didn't end well.

The way we met was like fate.
We both didn't take the city bus very often and when we did it was rarely at the same time. We also weren't very often downtown near the bus station but two days in a row we ran into each other. I remember it like it was yesterday. The first day we met I was waiting for the bus after going to see the doctor when he came up to me out of no where and asked for the time. (Back then it didn't occur to me that he had a cell phone with the time, he was obviously trying to start a conversation, I still blush when I think about it today). Well that's how our conversation started. I don't know what came over me but I couldn't stop talking. I talked about school and how I couldn't wait to start working so I could take care of my family (my parents and brothers). He listened and asked questions like he was actually interested. ( I really miss that, he doesn't seem that interested anymore). Then I got off the bus and that was that, I though Id never see him again. (He told me later on he thought about giving me his number but he didn't know how to bring it up.) The next day I was walking back to the bus stop after going to the pharmacy (to pick up my methadone for the week) and he happened to cross in front of me without seeing me. I usually would of been to shy to say Hey but that day it just came out and we started talking while I waited for my bus. We didn't get to talk very long before my bus arrived, having our conversation cut short, he was brave enough to ask me if I wanted his number.

What are the chances of us meeting again the very next day. It wasn't like us to be in town two days in a row and it wasn't like me to open up so fast to someone and keep a conversation going, I'm usually pretty shy at first. It definitely was faith. I remember getting on the bus right after getting his number and wanting to text him right away but something inside me told me to wait. So a little over two weeks later I finally texted him and he asked me out on a date. I kept pushing the day we were suppose to go on the date because I was either to nervous, not sure or busy with school. Finally two weeks later we went on our first date to the movies. I remember he did the cutest thing while we were watching the movie. I turned to look at him because I felt his eyes on me and he asked if he could kiss me. I said yes of course and I thought he was such a gentlemen for asking. And that's when I knew he would get a second date.

Its not like I did it on purpose but I look back on it and realize I was being "hard to get". I didn't make it easy for him but he was really determined. And it was that his very determination to be with me that won me over. It showed me that I was worth the effort to him and nothing compares to that feeling. For the first time I took it slow and everything fell in place perfectly. There's a lot of good in our relationship. I just have a hard time seeing it sometimes. Loving someone is easy its the relationship part that requires work. This relationship has shown me a different part of myself that I didn't know before. It thought me the depth of my qualities and how vast they are. The most difficult situations tested my true capacity to love. Its changed the the way I see things, its not just about me anymore. Love means +1.

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