Friday, January 11, 2013

Learning How to Love After Addiction

Learning your role in a relationship is difficult enough all by itself,  add to that a mind that's completely revolving around drugs and learning how to be in a healthy relationship isn't easy. Even the basics get more difficult. In my first relationships I didn't worry very much about making it work, I wasn't very invested in the relationship therefore I wasn't worried if it ended. I was very naive back then, I thought intimacy was the way to go if I wanted to be accepted and that more often then not ended up getting my feelings hurt. I had a hard time saying no and some guys took advantage of that. I'd still manage to say no often but lots of guys still tried, pressuring, asking over and over. Other times I just liked a guy and thought if I slept with him we would be going out together. That didn't work out to well for me either.

When I finally got into a more serious relationship our arguments weren't the usual couple problems, instead they were about drugs or caused by drugs. Consequently I never learned to deal with the regular issues couples face, well not in healthy way, some regular issues came up but they were forgotten or numbed by drugs. We also didn't have too many regular couple arguments since my boyfriend at the time was also too high to argue with me. He rarely fought back when I was angry, he let me win and get my way, he did almost anything I asked, and tried to make me happy. If it weren't for the drugs he would of been as close to perfect a boyfriend as anyone could be. Our relationship lasted 6 years, I was 15 when we met and I was 21 when we parted. My first real love despite the drugs. The last 2 years we were together things started unraveling.

We both decided to quit doing coke to save our relationship and I believe we both did for a while. Then I started doubting he was sober for a lot of reason and when I finally knew for sure he still denied it. Him denying was what really destroyed our relationship. The fact that he couldn't come to me for help or tell me he was struggling really hurt me. We been through so much together he should of said something. I stayed with him for over a year knowing he was still using waiting for him to come clean with me and ask for help or forgiveness. I was still in the early stages of recovery and all this was really hard for me. It seemed like he just gave up but he probably thought the same of me since we stopped sleeping in the same bed when I started to realise he wasn't going to tell me the truth. Despite all this, in the end I was still ready to stick around and hope it would work out but he left me for some else. He left me because I wasn't sleeping with him any more and this other girl was. I guess he thought I didn't care but it wasn't that at all.  Addiction took him away from me. Addiction took so many people away from me. Love of my life, best friend, parent... It had become a common in my life but no less hurtful.

Now I find myself sober and  in a complicated relationship trying to navigate through the maze of issues that every couple has to face. Feeling new at this I'm still trying to find my way, trying to still be my own person but also being considerate of his feelings, trying to understand how to approach a disagreement when the other person has left all common sense behind and all that's left is anger. What do I say to purposely hurtful remarks, how do I express my feelings in a way were I'll actually be understood ? Trying to understand why he often doesn't do what he says he will do. How can I know when his lying ? How do I trust someone after multiple lies, when I've already been lied to by everyone else. Are all these issues something all couples face or am I just unlucky to have a partner that seems impossible to reason with most of the time.

 I was use to getting my way and I know that but lately it rarely happens and if it does its not with out him complaining long enough to make me feel guilty. I know making someone feel guilty every time you do something for them isn't right and I don't do that to him. I try to make him happy even if its not always what I want but I still feel guilty when he does something for me because of his constant complaining. I keep wondering what I can do differently to make this relationship better. I'm not perfect and I know that, at lease I'm trying. The really confusing questions are;  What is it to love, am I in a healthy relationship? Is this normal? Does he really love me ? Am I just afraid of being alone? Do I deserve better? At lease I'm happy most of the time, right ?