Thursday, January 10, 2013

Methadone: Love Hate Relationship

I often wonder if I did the right thing getting on methadone, or if I just took the easy way out. At the time it wasn't even a decision. It kinda just happened. Well not that easy of course but in my mind there wasn't any other possibility. It was either keep doing what I was doing, to keep the withdrawals away. I didn't know any other way. I even tried doing a bit less oxys everyday and gradually stop that way, but it didn't work at all. Everything just seemed so futile and hopeless. The more I fucked up in my life by doing stupid things to feed my addiction, the more I wanted to get fucked up to forget about it. Vicious circle. (Forgiving myself was an essential part of my recovery but that only happened after Id been on methadone for a while.)

So I finally got to see a methadone doctor after months of waiting. It wasn't easy getting an appointment since the doctor was out of town. I had to travel there twice a week for the first couple months and finding a ride wasn't easy. On top of that I had to go to pharmacy everyday, freezing wind, pouring rain, cold snow, extreme heat with no car or city buses, I had to find a ride or walk there and back. That doesn't include holidays when their hours were short and I didn't make it in time or when I had to leave work or school or where ever to go to the pharmacy. The doctor even screwed up sometimes, or sent my prescription out of town on the wrong day, and I didn't get my medication. Those days Id be in incredible pain. I wish someone would of told me what I was getting into. How hard it was going to be to quit methadone or to go with out it for even just a day. Even now when I only need to go to pharmacy once a week I still feel trapped. Like I cant go anywhere for more than a week. I've thought of getting away from everything, go work far away for a summer, get to see new places, out of country even, but then I realise how difficult that would be if I'm still on methadone. I've been slowly lowering my methadone hoping to be able to do something adventurous this summer. Hoping is the key word here because I've tried going down before, more then once. What always seems to happen is I go down to fast then my body starts hurting, I cant sleep and I'm always tired. So I give up and return to the same amount of methadone as before. In short I don't function well.

Now I'm going down slowly and its been going oki but there were moments were I didn't feel good and I really thought about going up again. Thankfully, I was able to hold out and not go up again. Instead Id stay at that amount for a while to get use to it. I know if it weren't for methadone I wouldn't even have the state of mind to dream about travelling or to go to school or to even have a life in general so I'm really grateful  I cant expect it to be easy or to magically get fixed, good things require effort and determination. I have to take the good with the bad and hope that I'm strong enough to get off it eventually. Its ironic how the one thing that freed me is also keeping me trapped, but honestly it could be worst at lease now my minds my own. The lesser evil, as they say.


PS: If you want to know more about how its like being on Methadone theirs this great Blog Called Methadone Maze, Go Check it out :)