Learning your role in a relationship is difficult enough all by itself, add to that a mind that's completely revolving around drugs and learning how to be in a healthy relationship isn't easy. Even the basics get more difficult. In my first relationships I didn't worry very much about making it work, I wasn't very invested in the relationship therefore I wasn't worried if it ended. I was very naive back then, I thought intimacy was the way to go if I wanted to be accepted and that more often then not ended up getting my feelings hurt. I had a hard time saying no and some guys took advantage of that. I'd still manage to say no often but lots of guys still tried, pressuring, asking over and over. Other times I just liked a guy and thought if I slept with him we would be going out together. That didn't work out to well for me either.
When I finally got into a more serious relationship our arguments weren't the usual couple problems, instead they were about drugs or caused by drugs. Consequently I never learned to deal with the regular issues couples face, well not in healthy way, some regular issues came up but they were forgotten or numbed by drugs. We also didn't have too many regular couple arguments since my boyfriend at the time was also too high to argue with me. He rarely fought back when I was angry, he let me win and get my way, he did almost anything I asked, and tried to make me happy. If it weren't for the drugs he would of been as close to perfect a boyfriend as anyone could be. Our relationship lasted 6 years, I was 15 when we met and I was 21 when we parted. My first real love despite the drugs. The last 2 years we were together things started unraveling.
We both decided to quit doing coke to save our relationship and I believe we both did for a while. Then I started doubting he was sober for a lot of reason and when I finally knew for sure he still denied it. Him denying was what really destroyed our relationship. The fact that he couldn't come to me for help or tell me he was struggling really hurt me. We been through so much together he should of said something. I stayed with him for over a year knowing he was still using waiting for him to come clean with me and ask for help or forgiveness. I was still in the early stages of recovery and all this was really hard for me. It seemed like he just gave up but he probably thought the same of me since we stopped sleeping in the same bed when I started to realise he wasn't going to tell me the truth. Despite all this, in the end I was still ready to stick around and hope it would work out but he left me for some else. He left me because I wasn't sleeping with him any more and this other girl was. I guess he thought I didn't care but it wasn't that at all. Addiction took him away from me. Addiction took so many people away from me. Love of my life, best friend, parent... It had become a common in my life but no less hurtful.
Now I find myself sober and in a complicated relationship trying to navigate through the maze of issues that every couple has to face. Feeling new at this I'm still trying to find my way, trying to still be my own person but also being considerate of his feelings, trying to understand how to approach a disagreement when the other person has left all common sense behind and all that's left is anger. What do I say to purposely hurtful remarks, how do I express my feelings in a way were I'll actually be understood ? Trying to understand why he often doesn't do what he says he will do. How can I know when his lying ? How do I trust someone after multiple lies, when I've already been lied to by everyone else. Are all these issues something all couples face or am I just unlucky to have a partner that seems impossible to reason with most of the time.
I was use to getting my way and I know that but lately it rarely happens and if it does its not with out him complaining long enough to make me feel guilty. I know making someone feel guilty every time you do something for them isn't right and I don't do that to him. I try to make him happy even if its not always what I want but I still feel guilty when he does something for me because of his constant complaining. I keep wondering what I can do differently to make this relationship better. I'm not perfect and I know that, at lease I'm trying. The really confusing questions are; What is it to love, am I in a healthy relationship? Is this normal? Does he really love me ? Am I just afraid of being alone? Do I deserve better? At lease I'm happy most of the time, right ?
Charmed
I often wonder if I did the right thing getting on methadone, or if I just took the easy way out. At the time it wasn't even a decision. It kinda just happened. Well not that easy of course but in my mind there wasn't any other possibility. It was either keep doing what I was doing, to keep the withdrawals away. I didn't know any other way. I even tried doing a bit less oxys everyday and gradually stop that way, but it didn't work at all. Everything just seemed so futile and hopeless. The more I fucked up in my life by doing stupid things to feed my addiction, the more I wanted to get fucked up to forget about it. Vicious circle. (Forgiving myself was an essential part of my recovery but that only happened after Id been on methadone for a while.)
So I finally got to see a methadone doctor after months of waiting. It wasn't easy getting an appointment since the doctor was out of town. I had to travel there twice a week for the first couple months and finding a ride wasn't easy. On top of that I had to go to pharmacy everyday, freezing wind, pouring rain, cold snow, extreme heat with no car or city buses, I had to find a ride or walk there and back. That doesn't include holidays when their hours were short and I didn't make it in time or when I had to leave work or school or where ever to go to the pharmacy. The doctor even screwed up sometimes, or sent my prescription out of town on the wrong day, and I didn't get my medication. Those days Id be in incredible pain. I wish someone would of told me what I was getting into. How hard it was going to be to quit methadone or to go with out it for even just a day. Even now when I only need to go to pharmacy once a week I still feel trapped. Like I cant go anywhere for more than a week. I've thought of getting away from everything, go work far away for a summer, get to see new places, out of country even, but then I realise how difficult that would be if I'm still on methadone. I've been slowly lowering my methadone hoping to be able to do something adventurous this summer. Hoping is the key word here because I've tried going down before, more then once. What always seems to happen is I go down to fast then my body starts hurting, I cant sleep and I'm always tired. So I give up and return to the same amount of methadone as before. In short I don't function well.
Now I'm going down slowly and its been going oki but there were moments were I didn't feel good and I really thought about going up again. Thankfully, I was able to hold out and not go up again. Instead Id stay at that amount for a while to get use to it. I know if it weren't for methadone I wouldn't even have the state of mind to dream about travelling or to go to school or to even have a life in general so I'm really grateful I cant expect it to be easy or to magically get fixed, good things require effort and determination. I have to take the good with the bad and hope that I'm strong enough to get off it eventually. Its ironic how the one thing that freed me is also keeping me trapped, but honestly it could be worst at lease now my minds my own. The lesser evil, as they say.
Charmed
PS: If you want to know more about how its like being on Methadone theirs this great Blog Called Methadone Maze, Go Check it out :)
It doesn't matter how guilty or how horrible we feel about ourselves and doesn't matter how many terrible things we did, our pets love us unconditionally. There's something extremely special about the way our pets are always there for us no matter what. The bond between person and pet cant be compared to anything else, it can do amazing things.
When things started to go from bad to worst with my addiction and finding myself feeling lost. One day my love for dogs was remembered through the haze of drugs long enough to become determined to get a dog. Knowing that if nothing else, having a dog would make me happy. She was still just a little puppy when I went to a local farm to see the litter. All the puppies were hiding behind stairs and it wasn't very easy to get to them. But my little Maggy walked out between the two first steps and came up to me. The only one that came out to greet me, I was in love instantly. She ended up picking me, not the other way around. I saw it as faith, I was meant to bring her home.
My Maggy was by my side through it all. At the times when I felt the most alone and when I felt like giving up, she was there giving affection and love freely without judgement of my addiction, my lies, my stealing. Her never failing presences and love helped me believe in myself, helped me believe I could do better with my life. Maggy just being the playful, loving dog that she was supported me through the hardest parts of my recovery.
Oh, I miss her so very much. At only a little over two years old Maggy got sick and had to be put to sleep. No death, nothing in my entire life has devastated me as much as having my Maggy taken away from me. I would of paid any amount of money if only there was something to be done to save her. I miss her every day. I hope with all my heart to be with her again some day.
RIP MAGGY
FEB 2010
Sincerely,
Charmed
One of the hardest thing I've had to deal with since being sober is making friends.
Back in high school when drugs weren't affecting my life I still had lots friend and a couple close friends. Even when I got more into drugs I still had friends, well until I started trying to quit. Once I made up my mind and decided I didn't want to keep doing drugs forever I stop talking to everyone. I stayed home most of the time, unless I was going to work or working on my high school diploma through this adult correspondence class. I rarely answered my phone, I didn't talk to anyone for the longest time except my boyfriend at the time. I needed time alone to fix my life and most of all find out who I was without drugs.
By the time I got better it had been so long since I talked to the people I knew, it just wasn't the same. They had all moved on, some had kids, some had moved away, some were way into drugs. They had all changed and so had I. Making new friends seemed like the only answer. I just hadn't realized how hard it be. I keep feeling like no one can understand what I've been through other then another former addict. But its difficult meeting one since its not something people tend to tell strangers or people they just met. It was hard to feel like I had something in common with people or open up to them for fear of being judged for my past. It was all soo easy when I was a kid.
I thought once I got to college it would get easier but its going on three years now and still not even one friend. Although I have to admit I haven't been trying that hard. For example, I met a nice girl while working this summer but for some reason we haven't hung out outside of work even though shes asked more than once. I don't know whats wrong with me. I'm not sure if I'm scared or nervous. I realize now that even though we all get scared, sometimes we need to take a leap of faith. We wont know unless we try, right. That said, this week ill take that leap of faith and open myself up to making a new friend. Ill start by making plans to hang out and follow through with it.
Wish me luck.
Charmed
After my parents separated and my mom moved back to my home town, five hours away, I was always torn between having both my parents in my life. I was a Daddy's girl, I thought he was always right although he had disappointed me often he always had a «good» excuse and I still believed in them. Despite all that my mom was my mom, she was always there for me, she kept her promises. I could depend on her, really depend on her, so I was always torn. The fact that they also both wanted me with them and tried to convince me to live with them made it easier for me to run away from my problems. Every time I couldn't handle something or when I didn't get my way I had the opportunity to move away, far away. Problems with drugs, friends, school, parents, break up...
I moved around soo much, I was never able to really settle down and after soo many times I stop bothering with unpacking everything. I lost a lot of important stuff with all the moving. The time that hurt me the most was when I moved back to my moms and whatever I hadn't brought with me for my visit with her, was left at my dads. My dads girlfriend had kids around my age who just stole all my stuff even my moms engagement ring from my dad, that had been given to me after they separated. My dad didn't do anything to help, he didn't seem to care and since then I've always been protective of my things. The one exception was when my addiction was pretty bad and I moved back to my moms after living on my own. That time I left a lot of sentimental and important things behind. What drives me crazy about losing all that stuff is that we never had much money so replacing anything was almost impossible and that's if it was even replaceable.
When running away we often leave behind more then our problems. Although more than that by getting in the habit of running I forgot how to slow down and appreciate the people around me. I also didn't get to learn how to deal with being wrong and solve problems effectively. Its like I still cant be wrong, Ill argue my point until I blue in the face even when I get that lil voice telling me I'm wrong. Ill ignore it. As for resolving problems I'm still learning how to listen to the other persons point of view and compromise. Whats important is being open to learn, grow and change. Trying new ways when the old ones aren't working, instead of giving up and running away.
~Charmed~
Every high has its downer. At some point it comes down too, Is the high worth the downer and all the guilt that comes with it ? At first when things weren't too bad the downer wasn't a problem, I could stop when it got late and go to bed without any negative thoughts keeping me up or making me want more to make them stop. Once I decided I wanted to stop using and that the consequences were definitely not worth it, the guilt made the downer unbearable. My thoughts made me feel so bad, I felt useless and weak. At that point I had so many things to feel guilty about, all the lies, the stealing, the hurting of people I cared about. With every relapse came the downer and with every downer my determination became stronger and stronger. Until finally the high really wasn't worth the downer. I needed those downer to remind me exactly how bad I felt about the things I've done.
Charmed
I use to not care too much about setting goals for the New Year thats when it even crossed my mind. I saw it as a waste of time because setting goals and not achieving them was just one more thing to be disapointed about. I remember when the most important thing on my mind besides drugs was were the best party would be at. Well in the beginning anyways. Later on when the addiction got bad most of the time I was too uncomfortable to go out in public.
Now a days New Years brings me hope and excitement for all the possibilities it brings. Possibilities of change and adventure, possibilities of a greater understanding of our world and the people in it, possibilities of deeper love for others but also for one self. I'm filled with gratitude for having a second chance at life so that I may experience these possibilities. Cheers to a New Year and a Brighter Future.
Happy New Year,
Charmed
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